So that big D word that so many of us shy away from, too ashamed to say we suffer with this epidemic of an illness.
There is always going to be a stigmatism around something that people don't understand or just do not want to understand.
Depression and other mental illnesses are most definitely among those things.
Depression by definition is feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
But that really doesn't explain what depression is or how it affects someone's day to day life or how to help someone that is suffering.
Many people see people with depression, diagnosed or not, as lazy people, people who just have no get up and go, no ambition, dying for someone's attention.
When you're depressed you physically can't get up, you're just drained from your brain constantly thinking of everything over and over again and things so stupid as your eyeliner was a bit smudged surely everyone is going to be taking the mick out of me forever because of that. You can't see how life can get better because all you see are the dark stormy clouds down the long bumpy road of life. You feel as though everyone would be so much happier if you just weren't on this planet anymore. If you were to disappear who would actually miss you.
For many years I didn't know what to call how I felt. I Didn't know that many other people feel as I do every day and go through what I do. I thought I was alone in how I felt, I just felt alone. and if I tried to explain it to someone I would be called an 'attention seeker', 'dope', 'loser', and untill recently I would have been called all those names.
I had a very happy childhood, I have a fantastic family who have always kept me grounded. But I always remember that unbearable feeling of anxiousness, overbearing embarrassment when put into new situations like everyone was going to be talking about me. I was never comfortable in my own skin.
It eventually got to the stage where I was comfort eating, crying myself to sleep, not going to college, staying in bed all day and pretending I went to college. While I was comfort eating, which started very very young around when I started 2nd class, I piled on the pounds.. at my heaviest I was 24 stone and size 24. Felt as though the whole world was laughing at me.
At my worst the ugly and disease started to take over. My skin,grey, haggard covered in pimples, my hair, started falling out in clumps, my body, I looked like jabba the hut.
I was made unemployed in June 2012, on the dole at 18, no friends, no life, I played video games and talked to strangers online because they were the only ones I could be myself with. But it wasn't enough.
In July 2013 after attempting to do something stupid, I went to see the doctor to talk to her. I cried through the whole appointment, she gave me a dose 50mg lustral. I told her I want to be happy but I don't want to take tablets to make me happy. She said to me that it's just to help me through that dark patch to find the light. She also sent me for counselling.
I took the tablets for 2 months and didn't feel any better. So I stopped them, without telling my doc. I felt worse in coming months.
The couselling helped a little more every time I went. My hair started to grow back slowly.. but then it just wasn't enough.. I just cried in one of our sessions and I didn't know why I was crying.
she advised the doc to put me on stronger meds and told me to.take them. So I did.. and I still am to this day. Every day is a struggle with my depression.. some days I can be fine and then the next day comes I feel like I'm back where I have started. It's a battle but im not letting this win.. im prepared for a war now and ive my war paint on..
Im basically writing this because I know how hard it is to talk to people about it. I know it's so difficult to get the ball rolling in getting better. But you are not alone.. depression and mental illness will not better you or me. We will win this fight.
I was alone, in the dark and now I'm seeing a light. I want to help others to get to that light with me. Noone is to be on that Dark road and especially not alone. I'm here. We will get through this together.
Nikkie xo
Peace ✌
