Hi guys!
So as some of you may know I suffer with depression and high levels of anxiety, yet I don't think suffer is the right word to use to describe what I'm dealing with..
Depression is something I'm always going to have to deal with, I'm going to manage living with it, I've lived with it since I was 12. While everyone once in their lives goes through a state of feeling so low in themselves, this is one thing I'm just going to have to figure a way to manage it so I don't spiral out of control.
Depression is a huge deal at the moment and it seems as though at lot of people like to write blog posts or big statuses about the subject and share all these pictures but what I find baffling is that when you say you actually suffer with it people become distant or don't treat you the same. So in respect of that I want to take you through my life and how my depression and anxiety has effected me, how i coped then and how I'm coping now.
Where it all began
For me my depression and anxiety stems from when I was a young teenager. Everyone knows the teenage years are vital growing years, growing not only physically but also mentally. The things that happen in your teenage years mold your brain for life. All those life experiences for me never really happened.. I had very few friends, no one I trusted, and I was very angry at my whole life.. In school, for the whole of first year I sat alone, spending lunch break also on my own just waiting for school to end so I could go home and comfort eat and play the sims. In a way I was always so angry that it was so easy for other people to click with each other in 1st year and they had huge groups of friends that would just laugh all the time. I always had this black dog on my shoulder making it impossible to talk to people, it used to whisper to me telling me if i did say anything people would laugh at me and hate me even more, That was the start of the anxiety monster taking its slot in my brain and making me think everyone doesn't like me, which has been with me through my life right till now.
Being the Fat Kid
I was always a big kid, even in primary i was always the tallest and widest, but as the years went on i i just got bigger and bigger, i used to go to the shop on the way home from school and buy loads of crisps and chocolate and hide them in my bag until i got home. I'd then run to my bedroom or somewhere quiet and stuff my face then hiding the wrappers and then going to the press for more food, while my Mam had the dinner cooking on the stove. After dinner I'd eat even more. I hated myself and felt as though I didn't have control over anything in my life but the food. I gained so much weight and the more i gained the less people talked to me.. I'm was always tall so I never looked as big as the weighing scales said so I didn't believe it.
I had found some friends in the school in second and third year, and stopped the comfort eating, it was just the girls and me and it felt fantastic. but then boys began to come into the equation and low and behold i began eating again, I knew no guy would ever look at me the way I looked at food, so i went to the food, I eventually weighed 24stone, but being 5ft 10 at the time I didnt look that big.
One guy I really fancied had kissed all the girls i hung around with, leaving me the odd one out, I remember praying to god to get him to like me, but it never happened. I never wore make up and one day one of the girls put some on me and when a he told me i was ugly without make up i went home and cried and cried, I even wrapped a wire around my neck pulling it tight to stop me from breathing, and at the time I was texting a boy named Michael, and he happened to text me during this frenzy i was in and made me snap out of it.
At only 14/15 I didn't see any hope for myself, any dreams I ever had seemed like a light year away and they were never going to happen, sure i couldn't even get the boy i liked to kiss me. I then turned to alcohol, drinking all weekend and when I went to my friends house during the week, Alcohol made me feel like a different person, the more i drank the more I didn't feel the anxiety monster or the black dog on my shoulder. it was not the right way to cope but it helped, Id spend my nights in bed crying my eyes out thinking I should just end it all, writing various notes thinking that my family wouldn't even care if i was gone. wanting to just disappear.
I eventually met up with Michael, it turned out he was interested in what I had to say and he laughed with me, not at me. I fell out with all my friends leaving only Michael and myself, We went out with each other for a while and I broke things off. I didn't understand why he was with me so i wanted things to end, anxiety monster yet again jumping into my head and whispering mean things to me.
We decided to be friends, to this day that guy is my best mate. Without him my life wouldn't have gone on for much longer, life got a bit better in the mean time but I always had the black dog niggling on my shoulder. School got worse, I was back to sitting by myself just wishing to get out of the school and be able to talk to Mick.
I was only 16 doing my Leaving Cert, I didn't know what i wanted from my life, I know I'd Love to be a make up artist but being me I didn't think my Dad would be proud of me if that's the career I went with.
So i decided to do a PLC course in Pre-Uni Science, i always wanted to be a teacher and thought because I was good at maths, thought it was a good decision. I made friends and things seemed to be looking up, everything was going well, but then things took a turn for the worst, one girl turned one or two against me, I was devastated i thought this girl was a friend and she was spreading rumours about me, I felt the whole world was judging me, then she went to Michael and decided to tell him the rumour, what made it worse was he trusted her more than me.
I felt so alone, being subjected to countless hours of torment that noone believed me, i dropped out, i couldn't cope with life, i spent the rest of days in bed pretending to go to college hiding from my Mam. I tried to hurt myself seriously but Michael stopped me, he told me that I was better than that, told me that there was something at the end of this very dark tunnel just waiting for me to break down the door in the way.
After a year of being in bed and just eating, crying, hating myself, Michael dragged me to the gym, I hated it naturally, being now 6ft and 24stone, people just seemed to stare, like I shouldn't be there. after months of going just to do cardio for 10mins and die, i started weight lifting, never had I felt so good about myself. i felt if i could Deadlift 125kgs after only 6weeks training properly i could and would do anything. I needed to do something with my strength, it was a decision between basketball or rugby.
I then joined the wonderful Railway Union Rugby Football Club in Sandymount. That club is one of the best things to happen to me, I lost the urge to leave this earth, rugby gave me a sense of purpose.
i never missed a training session, every week i went to training, the girls were so welcoming, they made me feel like i had something to contribute to the world. i was still ever so self conscious at training, hated running because of my wobbly bits, so i sat out doing sit ups and squats, the only time i did any running was in a match, by the end of the year we had won our plate and i was over the moon, but yet that black dog was on my shoulder giving me guff saying i wasn't good enough, I shouldn't be there etc. I dreaded going back to rugby the next season, i knew I wasn't fit, felt i wasn't good enough to be on the team, everything i thought i was good at i felt had just gone, couldn't catch a ball, too afraid to tackle, too afraid to get the ball and run into space if i saw it. A number of things contributed to this tho.
Michael, my dear friend, got a girlfriend and i felt as though he had been stripped away from me because he wanted to spend all his time with her as he had previously spent all his time with me, i felt as though i had noone, even tho i had plenty of lovely people around me. i felt empty.
This is when I properly hit rock bottom.
I went from having a rock to cry on to having literally a pavement.. I'd go out and walk around aimlessly, crying, trying to make sense of my life, so many times tempting fate by going dangerous places or getting into dangerous situations just so i could feel something else bar emptiness.
I'd attack Michael verbally, he had no idea how bad things were in my head, he thought I was just being jealous. I was jealous, but not at the him or her, at the fact that I wanted him to be happy in a relationship with someone because it wasn't fair on him for me to be dragging him down with me. i could see that he was unhappy, and i wanted to see the guy smile, I was jealous that he found happiness where I could not. I had ruined every day we hung out or made plans together, cause I would find some reason to make a fuss where there need not be one, making his girlfriend so uncomfortable around me. Its at the point now where I had burned all bridges and there is no hope of them ever mending.
filled with regrets of the past constantly niggling at me, doubt if I'd even have a future, the not knowing was what was making it worse. I was constantly stressing over what I had said one time, that was probably what made people dislike me, why was it so hard to find someone who liked me.
I let these feelings eat me up, the ugly i was feeling in my head was starting to show on my physical self. My hair started falling out in clumps and patches were bald, my skin was grey, haggard and the bags under my eyes growing darker every day, that black dog and the angry anxiety monster quickly eating away at.
what didn't help was I had been unemployed all this time too.
I had gotten some Anti-Depressants prescribed by the doctor, and I didn't just take one I took 5, I just wanted to be happy and thought the more I took the happier I'd be. I then had a thought, that if i just ended it all now life would be so much better for every person involved in my life. I just wanted to get out of all the pain and suffering. I had taken a few more various kinds of tablets just hoping that it would be over soon. Michael was out with his girlfriend, i was in his, he found me passed out in the bed when he came home, he woke me up asking me what I took and how many, obviously i hadn't a clue what I was doing because I didn't take enough or the right concoction to end it all.
Finally some friends
And the boys...
One guy I really fancied had kissed all the girls i hung around with, leaving me the odd one out, I remember praying to god to get him to like me, but it never happened. I never wore make up and one day one of the girls put some on me and when a he told me i was ugly without make up i went home and cried and cried, I even wrapped a wire around my neck pulling it tight to stop me from breathing, and at the time I was texting a boy named Michael, and he happened to text me during this frenzy i was in and made me snap out of it.
At only 14/15 I didn't see any hope for myself, any dreams I ever had seemed like a light year away and they were never going to happen, sure i couldn't even get the boy i liked to kiss me. I then turned to alcohol, drinking all weekend and when I went to my friends house during the week, Alcohol made me feel like a different person, the more i drank the more I didn't feel the anxiety monster or the black dog on my shoulder. it was not the right way to cope but it helped, Id spend my nights in bed crying my eyes out thinking I should just end it all, writing various notes thinking that my family wouldn't even care if i was gone. wanting to just disappear.
then came Michael..
We decided to be friends, to this day that guy is my best mate. Without him my life wouldn't have gone on for much longer, life got a bit better in the mean time but I always had the black dog niggling on my shoulder. School got worse, I was back to sitting by myself just wishing to get out of the school and be able to talk to Mick.
Where the school days ended and college life began..
I was only 16 doing my Leaving Cert, I didn't know what i wanted from my life, I know I'd Love to be a make up artist but being me I didn't think my Dad would be proud of me if that's the career I went with.
So i decided to do a PLC course in Pre-Uni Science, i always wanted to be a teacher and thought because I was good at maths, thought it was a good decision. I made friends and things seemed to be looking up, everything was going well, but then things took a turn for the worst, one girl turned one or two against me, I was devastated i thought this girl was a friend and she was spreading rumours about me, I felt the whole world was judging me, then she went to Michael and decided to tell him the rumour, what made it worse was he trusted her more than me.
I felt so alone, being subjected to countless hours of torment that noone believed me, i dropped out, i couldn't cope with life, i spent the rest of days in bed pretending to go to college hiding from my Mam. I tried to hurt myself seriously but Michael stopped me, he told me that I was better than that, told me that there was something at the end of this very dark tunnel just waiting for me to break down the door in the way.
that time i went to the gym..
My Rugby
I then joined the wonderful Railway Union Rugby Football Club in Sandymount. That club is one of the best things to happen to me, I lost the urge to leave this earth, rugby gave me a sense of purpose.
i never missed a training session, every week i went to training, the girls were so welcoming, they made me feel like i had something to contribute to the world. i was still ever so self conscious at training, hated running because of my wobbly bits, so i sat out doing sit ups and squats, the only time i did any running was in a match, by the end of the year we had won our plate and i was over the moon, but yet that black dog was on my shoulder giving me guff saying i wasn't good enough, I shouldn't be there etc. I dreaded going back to rugby the next season, i knew I wasn't fit, felt i wasn't good enough to be on the team, everything i thought i was good at i felt had just gone, couldn't catch a ball, too afraid to tackle, too afraid to get the ball and run into space if i saw it. A number of things contributed to this tho.
The girlfriend
Michael, my dear friend, got a girlfriend and i felt as though he had been stripped away from me because he wanted to spend all his time with her as he had previously spent all his time with me, i felt as though i had noone, even tho i had plenty of lovely people around me. i felt empty.
This is when I properly hit rock bottom.
I went from having a rock to cry on to having literally a pavement.. I'd go out and walk around aimlessly, crying, trying to make sense of my life, so many times tempting fate by going dangerous places or getting into dangerous situations just so i could feel something else bar emptiness.
I'd attack Michael verbally, he had no idea how bad things were in my head, he thought I was just being jealous. I was jealous, but not at the him or her, at the fact that I wanted him to be happy in a relationship with someone because it wasn't fair on him for me to be dragging him down with me. i could see that he was unhappy, and i wanted to see the guy smile, I was jealous that he found happiness where I could not. I had ruined every day we hung out or made plans together, cause I would find some reason to make a fuss where there need not be one, making his girlfriend so uncomfortable around me. Its at the point now where I had burned all bridges and there is no hope of them ever mending.
I was in a sea of darkness,
I let these feelings eat me up, the ugly i was feeling in my head was starting to show on my physical self. My hair started falling out in clumps and patches were bald, my skin was grey, haggard and the bags under my eyes growing darker every day, that black dog and the angry anxiety monster quickly eating away at.
what didn't help was I had been unemployed all this time too.
My lowest point.
I had gotten some Anti-Depressants prescribed by the doctor, and I didn't just take one I took 5, I just wanted to be happy and thought the more I took the happier I'd be. I then had a thought, that if i just ended it all now life would be so much better for every person involved in my life. I just wanted to get out of all the pain and suffering. I had taken a few more various kinds of tablets just hoping that it would be over soon. Michael was out with his girlfriend, i was in his, he found me passed out in the bed when he came home, he woke me up asking me what I took and how many, obviously i hadn't a clue what I was doing because I didn't take enough or the right concoction to end it all.
The Upset
I didn't want anyone to know what had happened and Mick said that he was going to ring my Mam and tell her to get me help, I refused to let him have his phone or mine to ring her, Ashamed of my failed attempt I went wandering the streets, hoping that the gods had something planned to take me away, but they had a totally different plan in mind for me.
Michael came out to me, I saw how upset he was, I had destroyed the one person who had always been there for me, I had cracked this man. we sat on the side of the road and just talked. he made me realise that this earth wasn't made for me, but i was made for it. I needed to fight this. i need to stick it to the black dog and the anxiety monster, for myself, my family, my friends and my team. I went to the doctor again and she referred me to counselling.
counselling
My first counselling session was a quiet one, I didn't talk that much just answered a few questions.
I didn't trust this person, and i didn't understand that she was there to help me. she was my back up in the fight. I just didn't know it yet.
By the 3rd session we had talked about everything that I felt was the matter, Isabel made me realize that it wasn't as bad as my brain had made it out to be.
By the last session with her, I could start seeing the light, it was dim, but there was finally that light.
Isabel gave me coping techniques, which vary from person to person and how they deal with things
for me it was keeping a 'Mood Diary' along with a normal diary, she told me to focus on the good that has happened that day, at the top of the page write one good thing about yourself then write the days events, always remembering that one thing i wrote on the top of the page.
That was the beginning of my recovery.
I got a new job with wonderful people in the June 2014, only 2 months after our last session. I finally felt like i was apart of something, rugby was getting so much better, my life was just improving slightly.
In July 2014, my aunt Sarah Sunflower Lundberg tragically passed away, she had taken her own life.
I was at work that day and wasn't informed untill i had gotten home, the news took lumps out of me, only months previous i wanted to leave, seeing how devastated my family were I knew that i could never fully go through with it. Seeing my nanny and granddad torn apart by the pain, my uncles, my dad, brothers and sisters.. I knew from then that if I had that urge again to seek immediate help. I had blamed myself for not asking her if she was okay, she was going through a tough time. but being in my own bubble it never sprang to my mind. I miss Sarah every day, i cant look at a sunflower, chapters book store, certain books, necklaces or earrings without having a lump in my throat. i wish i could have told her how much she meant to me. She was and is my family.
Since her passing i feel her presence around me, especially when I've a bad day. I pray to her every night to ask her for help to get me through this.
Her passing has woken me up, it has made me realised how important you are to people around you, even if you don't know you or feel you are important you definitely are. there is always one person there for you. when you feel smothered by the dark look for the light in someone else they will bring you towards yours.
You will never fully understand what I or someone like me goes through on a day to day basis..
you need to be patient, willing to listen to what you may think is nonsense that comes out of our gobs, you also need to be stern and tell us whats really going on, tell us how you see the situation.
you need to be patient, willing to listen to what you may think is nonsense that comes out of our gobs, you also need to be stern and tell us whats really going on, tell us how you see the situation.
Personally for me to get over a bad patch I need someone to talk to me, I need someone to comfort me, need someone to talk through what's going on, give me an outlook on how they would deal with it of it were them.
I didn't have any girl friends and its what i craved the most. I met a girl online, on a place called Tagged, it was the only place i was accepted for me, That girl is now corner stone in my life, I would be lost without my Emzie! I also met another girl online named Ali, shes just such a sweetheart and would do anything for you.
i now have so many amazing friends and family that are always behind me. I've people in my life that actually want to listen to what i have to say.
I am and will forever be grateful to all those that have stood by me through my darkest of times.
to those girls and other people who gave me a chance when it was my last one. to those to take the time of day to spend some time with me.
This is one of the hardest things a person goes through and i was so alone for most of it.
if you get anything from this please if you see someone down make it your goal to cheer them up.
i set little goals for myself every day so I don't have time to think of various other thoughts or let the monsters creep on in.
my main goals for a day would be- make at least one person smile, compliment another, and have a conversation with an elderly or someone who just looks upset. I treat everyone the way i would like my family or myself to be treated.
this has been very hard for me to write so it has taken some time. don't get me wrong i still get bad weeks, my hair is still falling out to stress and anxiety and it may be this way forever but I'm going to live in the present from now on. good things are going to happen if i work hard, treat people well, help others out, and be myself.
My antidepressants make me feel normal, they limit my anxiety and just make me feel like i can be myself without the black dog or someone whispering in my ear telling me I'm a loser, a good for nothing dosser that's not going anywhere.
I'm now a much healthier weight for my height and losing weight each week.
I'm seeing that light brighter and brighter each day that passes, I have goals and i know Sarah is watching my every move pushing me to the next day. I don't know what crazy stuff will happen tomorrow but i sure as hell know I'm going to be around to find out.
I hope when you see someone sad or lonely you will talk to them cause you understand it that little bit more, no one wants to be depressed, lonely or sad. one act of kindness from a stranger can go along way in helping someones recovery.
We are the ones who must put an end to suicide.
Keep going to that bright light.
one way or another you'll get there. :)
Love Nikkie xox
I didn't have any girl friends and its what i craved the most. I met a girl online, on a place called Tagged, it was the only place i was accepted for me, That girl is now corner stone in my life, I would be lost without my Emzie! I also met another girl online named Ali, shes just such a sweetheart and would do anything for you.
i now have so many amazing friends and family that are always behind me. I've people in my life that actually want to listen to what i have to say.
I am and will forever be grateful to all those that have stood by me through my darkest of times.
to those girls and other people who gave me a chance when it was my last one. to those to take the time of day to spend some time with me.
This is one of the hardest things a person goes through and i was so alone for most of it.
if you get anything from this please if you see someone down make it your goal to cheer them up.
what gets me through my day?
i set little goals for myself every day so I don't have time to think of various other thoughts or let the monsters creep on in.
my main goals for a day would be- make at least one person smile, compliment another, and have a conversation with an elderly or someone who just looks upset. I treat everyone the way i would like my family or myself to be treated.
this has been very hard for me to write so it has taken some time. don't get me wrong i still get bad weeks, my hair is still falling out to stress and anxiety and it may be this way forever but I'm going to live in the present from now on. good things are going to happen if i work hard, treat people well, help others out, and be myself.
My antidepressants make me feel normal, they limit my anxiety and just make me feel like i can be myself without the black dog or someone whispering in my ear telling me I'm a loser, a good for nothing dosser that's not going anywhere.
I'm now a much healthier weight for my height and losing weight each week.
I'm seeing that light brighter and brighter each day that passes, I have goals and i know Sarah is watching my every move pushing me to the next day. I don't know what crazy stuff will happen tomorrow but i sure as hell know I'm going to be around to find out.
I hope when you see someone sad or lonely you will talk to them cause you understand it that little bit more, no one wants to be depressed, lonely or sad. one act of kindness from a stranger can go along way in helping someones recovery.
We are the ones who must put an end to suicide.
Keep going to that bright light.
one way or another you'll get there. :)
Love Nikkie xox
